-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
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You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.