Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.