MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
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Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I remember when things only cost an arm.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Just ordered me some pizza!
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.