My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
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(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
This will teach them to underestimate me
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣