Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
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I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Note to self: I am a note
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Seas the day!!!!
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.