the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
You Might Also Like
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me