Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
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What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Help Wanted
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”