Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
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A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans