I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
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I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”