This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
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Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.