Ferrari squats
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I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”