[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
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I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.