overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
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people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ