I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
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Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
No way!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?