I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
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how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.