Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
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[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
No, I don’t think I will.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.