Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
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“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
i baked you a cake
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.