Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
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Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Smile they said.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…