OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
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[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.