My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
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the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
welp
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME