That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
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My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
beware of dog
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.