This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
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If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.