Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
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5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?