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(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Möther may I have a snäck
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I’M CRYINGGG