your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
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What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
we’re dead?
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Saturday
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.