When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
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I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁