Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
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I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
What?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Saturday
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
This is true.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.