Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
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[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
at ease…shoulder.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
That eye roll….
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.