1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
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no
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info