My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.