Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
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Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..