[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
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Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.