“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
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I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!