The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
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DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco