Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
You Might Also Like
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.