I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
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Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
*mops up wine with cat*
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever