Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
You Might Also Like
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
But that’s none of my business
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.