When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
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yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?