One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
You Might Also Like
Okay me first
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
bears
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”