“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
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“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Previously On Persistence 😎
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.