When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
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Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
What a chick magnet..
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.