“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
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ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity