I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
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No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
My dad.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.