“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
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Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch