Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
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DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Google reviews are always so mixed..
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.