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The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”