If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
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Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Only Americans understand
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I have so many questions.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.