what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
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Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on