Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
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[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Yeah. This was me today.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year