The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
You Might Also Like
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.